BANDERSNATCH- “Don’t Be A Fool-Wrap Your Tool”

Despite what some of you may think, my first 2 blogs “Creeper Repellent-Where Can I Get Some” and “Imposter Lesbians aka Attention-Obsessed Whores” are not the result of me not getting enough dick and thus hating Scottsdale and all the creepers and imposter lesbians that inhabit it. I am actually a proud self-proclaimed sex addict who should probably sign up with the rest of Scottsdale for SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). I’ll admit (that’s the first step right?) that I have a problem and it’s called my last blog. I let you down with “Scottsdale Gets Down and Dirty With Disney”. I screwed up by not screwing. I took one night off from f*cking my boy toy’s brains out which resulted in me writing the worst blog ever. I’ve come to the conclusion that sex is my Midol. If I don’t have it, bad things happen aka comparing Scottsdale sluts to the seven dwarves. So last night I f*cked for 3 hours and then again this morning for 30 minutes so I could bring you a good f*cking blog. I will f*ck as long as it takes to give you what you deserve. Something orgasmic. Something that will leave you smiling as big as the time you got your first blow job under the bleachers in high school or maybe frowning with disgust like the first time you swallowed instead of spit. Either way I”˜ll give you something to talk about.

So with that said, I’m ready to start another one of my infamous bitchy blogs which of course is about sex-my favorite hobby and one true love. I love it more than any guy I’ve ever been with mainly because a lot of guys annoy me when it comes to getting down and dirty. It honestly bugs me when guys don’t know how to work it in between the sheets and/or talk their dicks up and then I find out it’s the size of a pencil (sorry size does matter-I like a big dick just as much as you like a big ass and big tits). This doesn’t always happen, but boys if you’re going to talk a big game then back it up. Go big or go home. I want my hair pulled, my lip bit, my back scratched, my ass slapped, but just because I’m kinky and crazy does not mean I’m stupid. Which leads me to the number 1 thing that annoys me the most about guys-some of them hate using condoms and are too irresponsible/lazy/careless aka stupid to put one on. I don’t understand it. I’m on birth control in order to prevent getting knocked up. Why don’t you put some effort into it and put a damn condom on in order to prevent being a baby’s daddy? Do you really want to be the next K-Fed and Shitney Spears with “2 beautiful mistakes” as Sarah Silverman stated at the VMAs? I know, I know. The answer is no. So then why during that awkward moment before I slap you for not wanting to slap a condom on do you waste my time by presenting a never ending list of excuses as to why not to use one. You innocently argue that condoms are uncomfortable and annoying. Let me remind you that having a baby growing inside you is just a little bit more uncomfortable and annoying especially when it’s kicking and flipping like Bruce Lee as well as the fact that I will be pushing a person out of my pussy 9 months later. Imagine a guy sticking his dick in your ass. Painful to even think about right? Well times that by 100 and that is what we females will have to go through if you get us pregnant. While you will not have to experience these lovely things, I will sure as hell will make it my full time job to make the next 9 months equally uncomfortable for you if not more so. Another famous excuse is that condoms ruin the sensation. You whisper in my ear that you want this to feel as good as possible for you just as much as you want it to feel as good as possible for me. Lies! All lies! Hey honey, you know what won’t feel good? A burning sensation. Yeah those things called STDs. I certainly don’t have one and I’m not trying to get one. If you’re trying to f*ck me without a condom on then who knows how many drunk sluts you’ve successfully convinced to f*ck you without a condom. It’s not happening. One of my favorites, you claim that condoms kill the mood, “Baby, I want to feel physically and spiritually as close to you as possible. How am I supposed to make sweet love to you if latex is separating our bodies and souls?” Thank God no one has ever said this to me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if half of the male population in Scottsdale has used that line at least once. I have to agree with 50 cent, “I’m into have sex, I ain’t into making love” so if you think you’re going to try and ride me bareback, think again. I may fall to my knees occasionally, but I don’t fall for those kind of lines.

Boys, I know it’s shitty to interrupt you getting hard and me getting wet to fumble around for a condom. It’s uncomfortable, annoying, desensitizing and does kill the mood. Get over it. We have. In this day and age excuses, if understandable, are not acceptable. If you’re going to spend 15 minutes trying to persuade me not to use a condom then I’m going to head on home and spend those 15 minutes productively getting 5 orgasms with my dildo. Don’t be a fool. Wrap your tool.

Love,
Bandersnatch